My friends, we are gathered here today to mourn a very tragic loss: There is now only ONE Blockbuster left in the world.
Blockbuster’s second-to-last location, a quaint little shop in Australia, just announced that it’s closing. Which means there’s now only ONE (1) Blockbuster store remaining on Planet Earth. Here it is, the Blockbuster in Bend, Oregon:
I am sure we are all having a difficult time processing this news. Please, take a moment to grieve while listening to “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan.
Okay. Now that you’ve had a little time to process, I suggest we turn our GRIEF into ACTION. We only have one Blockbuster left, and we must protect it at all costs. Which is why I’m proposing that we turn it into a national landmark.
Now, before you say that’s impossible, HEAR ME OUT!!! We turned the Grand Canyon into a national landmark, and that thing is just a big hole.
The Liberty Bell gets to be a landmark, even though it’s basically broken.
And freaking Mount Rushmore? More like RushLESS! It’s boring!
If all these so-called “important” landmarks are protected, then surely the last Blockbuster on earth should be protected, too.
Did the Statue of Liberty ever rent you VHS tapes of Happy Gilmore, The Sixth Sense, and She’s All That? Did the Golden Gate Bridge ever sell you a jumbo bucket of microwave popcorn and a king-sized box of Sour Patch Kids?? Did the Hoover Dam ever remind you to be kind and please rewind??? I THINK NOT!
My friends, the answer is clear: The Blockbuster in Bend, Oregon must become a national landmark. Heck, make their entire strip mall a landmark. Whatever it takes!
How else will future generations know about the joy of strolling the aisles of Blockbuster before a sleepover?
Or the thrill of browsing the New Releases section to see if that movie you’ve been waiting for is finally out?
Or the sheer POWER you felt when your parents handed you their Blockbuster membership card and gave you free reign of the store, because they had to go pick up their photos from the CVS across the street?
And how else will our children learn about the dark side of Blockbuster? The late fees. The extra charges if you didn’t rewind. The horror when you got home and realized they’d put the wrong movie in that white, generic Blockbuster case. THIS IS IMPORTANT ’90S HISTORY!
Make the last Blockbuster a national landmark, and make it one now. I don’t have a petition for you to sign or anything, but hopefully the government reads BuzzFeed and will just do it because I said so. Thank you.