Dax Shepard. Ohhhh, Dax Shepard.
You probably know by now that Dax is pretty open about every aspect of his life, whether it be his relationship with Kristen Bell or the sex advice he’ll give his daughters when they’re older.
But Dax has just gone and outdone himself by recounting the story of the time he had sex with Jell-O. I wish I was joking, but here we are.
Speaking to Jimmy Kimmel, Dax revealed that the whole thing was inspired by a movie he watched when he was younger called Real Genius. In the movie, someone is jokingly asked: “What were you doing naked in your room with a bowl full of Jell-O?”
Naturally, that got Dax thinking about alternate uses for Jell-O, as I’m sure the movie intended. But, unfortunately, there was no Jell-O in Dax’s house when he was growing up, so he’d have to wait more than a decade to act on those, uh, impulses.
Fast-forward a little and Dax is 20 years old and living in LA where he finally has the freedom to do what he wants. And what does he want to do? Have sex with a bowl of Jell-O, of course!
So, Dax gets in his car, goes to the nearest drugstore, and buys not one, not two, but FIVE boxes of Jell-O. No offence, Dax, but I think we’re running before we can walk here.
Back home, I guess you could say Dax was getting a little excited.
So excited, in fact, that once the Jell-O was ready, he didn’t even take it upstairs. In his own poetic words:
But, unfortunately, Dax’s long-held fantasy didn’t quite live up to his expectation. In fact, it was a massive disappointment as he revealed: “Within six seconds, I’m just sloshing around Kool-Aid. It just completely disintegrates. I’m basically like, stirring Kool-Aid.”
What a delightful image.
But if you thought the story ended there, then I’m afraid you’re sadly mistaken. The 20-year-old Dax woke up in the morning, saw his penis, and thought the Jell-O had given him an STD. I really wish I was making this up.
To make his embarrassment even worse, when Dax dropped into the clinic for a checkup, he fancied the doctor. Of course, he didn’t want to tell the doctor that he thought he’d got an STI by doing the slosh and tickle with a bowl of Jell-O, so he told a little white lie.
The doctor, probably trying to make the situation less awkward, asked what flavour the Jell-O was, and that’s when disaster struck.
Me right now.
But hey, don’t take my retelling of the story as bible — go and watch Dax tell it himself here!