1) I still can’t believe Raquel snuck her way into these opening credits. The scammery!
2) Kristen hugging Katie so she’ll feel too guilty to yell at her is a real mood. BEEN THERE.
3) Why did Katie even bring her SUR dress on vacation…?
4) So basically, Kristen is mad because she thought James getting fired from SUR would mean he was also fired from the show. Huh.
5) Does Kristen not remember when she got fired from SUR like a million seasons ago?! And yet she’s still on the show…???
6) “Clearly, James isn’t going anywhere.” YEAH. NEITHER DID YOU.
7) Even by Vanderpump Rules standards, Jax and Schwartz seem very hungover.
8) I literally do not understand the point of this “staycation.” The Mondrian is like, two blocks from their apartment. They literally just rented a hotel room to get super wasted and help Peter kiss a girl?
9) I feel like we’ve all been on this Solvang trip for at least 12 years. How is it still happening? Do we live here now? Is this home?
10) Why would Lala take them all on a vacation to a freaking winery if she can’t drink? Go on a damn hike or something! IDK! Try whitewater rafting!
11) And of course it’s fine for Lala not to drink, but it’s weird that she’s doing it because her boyfriend told her not to.
12) Lala, aren’t you supposed to be some sort of feminist icon? I’m confused.
13) Brittany was puking EVERY HOUR last night? And now she’s just chillin’ at a winery? Okay.
14) Is there such thing as an alcohol allergy? Sounds fake but okay. I’m gonna google this.
15) Google says it’s real, but rare.
16) But still, I’m gonna guess it was the copious amounts of tequila that made her sick that night…I don’t think we need WebMD to crack this case.
17) Stassi claims the “old her” would have been “really freaking mad” that Beau was around girls last night. Does she not remember yelling at him on FaceTime, about 12 hours ago, to get the fuck away from them?
18) Straight people LOVE cornhole. I wonder what it is about cornhole that makes straight people so happy.
19) Like, every single heterosexual wedding I’ve been to in the last five years has had cornhole. I wonder if it’s some kind of law?
20) Ah, at least Stassi and Kristen are passing on cornhole. Queer allies!
21) Honestly, how DARE Carter yell at Kristen every morning when she pays all his bills…?
22) And it’s because he’s “not a morning person”? Sweetie, you’re living RENT FREE! You better become a morning person REAL fast.
23) “It’s like I have a teenage son playing video games in my basement sometimes.” I can barely watch this, it’s too dark for me, but I hope it never ends.
24) A small silver lining in this scene is the friendship between Stassi and Kristen!
25) Look how far we’ve come since Stassi slapped Kristen across the face for fucking Jax. To borrow a phrase from Obama, THIS is change we can believe in.
26) Lisa’s new dog is cute, but I’m pretty sure putting him on top of the bar is a major health code violation.
27) Harrison looks identical to Giggy, just slightly more…alive.
28) I don’t really understand why Sandoval is so upset about this mixologist. She’s there to help YOUR bar make money, you twerp.
29) Kristen searching for the horse’s dick is relatable. Sometimes you just gotta know!
30) It seems like getting drunk + riding horses might not be the greatest idea. I hope Bravo has good insurance.
31) Whenever these girls start crying, they IMMEDIATELY grab a tissue and jam it into their eyeball so their makeup doesn’t run. The discipline!
32) But this Lala/Stassi scene is very sad. Fuck. Poor Lala.
33) Okay, so I’m confused. The boys are on their so-called “staycation,” but they’re still going to work?
34) So literally the entire point of this was just to sleep in a hotel…? Okay! It’s like Eloise at the Plaza, but with a lot more Jägermeister.
35) Lol @ Jax asking what the Toms are actually contributing to TomTom if Lisa is hiring a mixologist. Some points were made.
36) And double lol @ Schwartz angrily responding: “My heart and motherfucking soul!“
37) Ugh, this drama about Sandoval ~maybe~ backing out of TomTom is too fake for me. We ain’t stupid, Bravo! His name’s already on the freaking sign.
38) And Sandoval’s arguments against hiring the mixologist make zero sense. He wants the cocktails to be amazing…so therefore…we must not hire this cocktail expert?
39) Since we’re back on the private jet, here’s a friendly reminder that PJs are VERY BAD for the environment. Do not use them!
40) Especially when you’re traveling a distance shorter than my fucking commute to work. Thanks!
41) I love that James tells Lisa he’s given up drinking for good, when he was definitely pounding mojitos on Watch What Happens Live last week. Guess that doesn’t last too long.
42) Stassi’s apartment looks very nice and expensive. Is the show even pretending like she has any job besides being on reality TV?
43) I wish the show would just break the fourth wall and acknowledge that, yes, all of these kids are very rich, and no, it’s not from bussing tables at SUR.
44) She is SO proud of herself for wearing PJs on the PJ.
45) (Honestly, I would be, too.)
46) Beau’s “wind boners” comment is probably gonna raise some eyebrows, but I’m just here to tell you that those are REAL. And I’m happy to see my own life experiences represented on TV. Thank you.
47) Also, not to be dramatic, but I would risk it ALL for Beau. I very much like his little bowtie in his interviews, and I someday hope to marry him.
48) Lol @ Schwartz accidentally calling himself the CEO of TomTom, and then quickly correcting himself. Lisa will not be pleased.
49) What is with the Toms feeling like they HAVE to have their own drinks on the menu? You are reality stars, not mixologists! Literally who cares!
50) I had totally forgotten that Kristina Kelly was a human who existed, and I think I liked it better that way.
51) Did Kristen really respond to Carter saying, “I love you” by doing the sign of the cross? It’s worse than we thought, y’all.
52) They’ve been at this barbecue for all of five minutes and they are now on the couch about to break up. Wild.
53) Once again, I cannot with Carter complaining about having to deal with Kristen. THEN GET A BANK ACCOUNT, BABE!
54) And that line about how the therapist is usually “on his side.” Kristen…run for the hills.
55) I love that the Toms’ SUPER original cocktail idea was using a diamond ice mold they clearly bought on Amazon. True masters of their craft!
56) I’m still extremely NOT here for this storyline about Sandoval leaving TomTom if he doesn’t get his way. Bravo thinks we’re so dumb! Which is probably fair but still!!!
57) And this Randall breakup storyline would be a whole lot more dramatic if we didn’t know that they’re engaged now.
58) I think the most horrifying part of this Gucci slides story is the fact that Gucci slides even exist. Are rich people running out of ideas for things to buy?
59) “There’s a lot of dick out there for me to suck to get on a PJ.” Thank you, Lala, for reminding us all that love isn’t dead.
Anyway, those were all MY thoughts on this week’s episode. Now tell me yours in the comments! I’ll be reading…